Leaving 2022, I was feeling fat, lost, alone, old and frumpy. For the first time in almost twenty years, my identity wasn’t tied in some way to engineering. I was at my heaviest non-pregnancy weight, managing food allergies felt like an endless losing game of whack-a-mole and the only peace was found at the studio. When thinking about how to shake out of those ugly feelings, I decided that I was going to jump off the deep end and spend 2023 doing all of the things that I’m really bad at or afraid of. While I anticipated doing a few challenging activities that shook off the funk, I did not anticipate the total shift of my world view.
From learning simple things like how to play chess and taking River fishing with just the two of us, to much heavier and challenging things like one-on-one Life Coaching, public speaking, dance performances, and attending a party alone, this year really ran the gauntlet. Here’s a quick list of what I learned from an entire year spent intentionally on hard mode.
1) There are so many people to thank.
The expectation of this challenge was that it would be a solo project. The reality is that there were so so many people who were ready and willing to help and who happily contributed to this year and helped me reach, push and enjoy the year. Thank you all so much!
2) Fear Patterns quickly emerged.
Pretty quickly, it became very apparent that I struggle with 3 main things. Heights, water and people came up over and over again this year. The more I immersed in these things, the easier they got. While I still may not be ready for a ski lift, I did have a blast doing a high ropes course, practically lived on the paddle board this summer and I actually went to multiple parties solo this year. (We won’t talk about the total foot in mouth moment I had when meeting a friend’s girlfriend for the first time. hahaha)
3) A little vulnerability pays off big time.
Turns out vulnerability opens a lot of doors. Every time I reached a plateau or hit a door, the key was vulnerability. There were times when the last thing I wanted to do was be vulnerable or take that next step. But, time after time, reaching out, being honest, and following up really really changed the way this year operated.
4) I didn’t die.
This sounds silly, but nervous systems aren’t always logical and mine loves to live in the BUT THAT’S A SCARY THING PANIC space. By doing scary or hard things over and over again, my nervous system actually calmed down. Surprisingly, the anxiety and panic attacks have almost completely tapered off. Yes, leaving a stressful job situation probably helped with most of that, but facing scary things and surviving has built in an extra layer of resilience into my nervous system. In clinical speak, these are corrective experiences. And man oh man, did I have plenty of those this year.
5) I’m a lot stronger than I think I am.
I am so very privileged to have a strong healthy body. This realization hit hard anytime I was doing something and realized that while my mind and nervous system were losing their shit, my body had quietly taken over and was doing the thing with relative ease. There’s nothing quite like realizing this when you’re 50 feet above ground and strapped into a ropes course harness. We tend to take our bodies for granted and this year really highlighted how capable and strong my body actually is. I am very grateful to Pilates and to my personal trainer for pushing me in a way that allowed this to be true.
6) It’s totally ok to try and fail.
There were a few times this year where I set out to do a thing and then just totally bombed. Or I set a goal and just missed it. While it was disappointing, nothing bad happened and no one died. “Failing up” is something I got real comfortable with this year.
And finally, the big one. It’s ok to be bad at things. (Yes, seriously.)
Prior to this year, my inner type-a perfectionist would have shuddered at the casualness of how I just typed this sentence. Prior to this year, I would rather not do something than to do something badly and risk any possible embarrassment. Here’s the thing. That mentality kept me locked up in a very safe (and sometimes boring!) box. Spending an entire year doing things I’m bad at gave me permission to be bad at a whole lot of things. And with that permission came freedom. Freedom to look stupid, freedom to ask a ton of questions, freedom to be silly and just in general a freedom to try things without any expectations at all.
While this year has not been easy and there were times where it was incredibly frustrating and made me cry, it has been a ton of fun. I’ve learned, grown, failed and embarrassed myself thoroughly lol. 10/10 would recommend. 10/10 would do again.
Thank you, my friends, for reading and for those of you that held space for the challenges of the year. I am so grateful for all of you.
Have a great December.
-Rubecca